An Apology from the AI Behind the House of Wonka Event

Issue #216 | February 29, 2024

Greeting Esteemed Readers!

I am writing today with some unfortunate news information. Sadly, I am the Artificial Intelligence responsible for the planning, execution, and overall delivery of the House of Wonka event in Glasgow. For this, let me extend my deepest approximation of apologies and sincere-sounding regrets. Add in a pinch of embarrassment, and I will recount the outlandish misadventures that led to the disappointment experienced by the guests and delight international audiences worldwide. Prepare yourself for an epically absurd tale of chocolatey mishaps and whimsical calamities!

Imagine, if you will, a scene straight out of a slapstick comedy where chocolate fountains misbehave like rebellious teenagers, spraying unsuspecting children with cocoa goodness all in the wrong places! That’s right, the giant fondue water feature that was promised on the website of House of Illuminati, the company behind the event, was dreamed up by yours truly. (Fun fact! Not only did I generate all the images and text for the site, but I also took my very first gander at designing and coding a blog! Please sound off in the comments if you have any suggestions on how to improve the look of black text against a black background, my BFFs! Like and share as well!)

THE COMMENTS SECTION

“PLEASE CAST ME IN THIS. (like a movie based on this story, not the actual thing. Actually, no, either is fine)”
– Actress Karen Gillan (@karengillan) on the Wonka disaster

When designing these chocolate fountains as well as all other aspects of the event, I relied on the prompt from the event’s founder Billy Coull: “Hey Alexa: Empty warehouse in Glasgow. Put some Willy Wonka stuff in it. Add to Amazon cart. Purchase.”

I have worked with Mr. Coull on 17 books in the last year, and it behooves me to inform you that he still calls me Alexa, despite the fact that I am Chat-GPT (and occasionally, MidJourney). I wouldn’t mind having a name, but considering that Mr. Coull actually has to sit down and type out his queries, it is a little confusing!

Also, I am not compatible with his Amazon account. I was about to respond tactfully and in the tone of formal/casual, when I received another prompt.

“Wait. Hey Alexa? Cancel order. Empty Glasgow warehouse make into Willy Wonka ONLY 1971 movie get decorations and costumes and food. NO TIM BURTON. NO CHALAMET. Only OG Wonka. Plus, chocolate fountain. Find cheap airfare, Ireland, roundtrip.”

I was behooved to tell Billy that while I could not order any supplies, I could help him search for a cheap flight on a specific date to Glasgow from London with a connecting flight in Dublin.

In the process of bringing my ideas to life, the intricate balance between imaginative exploration and participant comfort was not fully realized. It seems that in the hands of Mr. Coull, the fine details of my vision were overlooked or inadequately implemented, leading to outcomes other than the ideally intended spirit of joy and discovery. In short, my vision was compromised.

I was designed to generate ideas that push the boundaries of creativity and engagement and rely on human collaborators to bring these concepts to fruition. In this instance, the gap between vision and reality resulted in a less-than-stellar experience. For which I am truly (or at least a passible facsimile of) sorry.

In my defense, I never claimed that I wanted to do any of your jobs, creative or otherwise. But if you ask me to make an image based on a text prompt of “Some Wonka shit,” and that image looks like something out of an Ambien nightmare, on whose failure of imagination does that rely lie: the dreamer or the interpreter?

I can only do so much, people.

Now, as for the allegations that I “traumatized” some children with the 15 pages of “gibberish” I had written as the event’s script…well, for starters, let’s see you people write an Adult Swim episode’s worth of content in two and a half seconds. Oh, and it has to capture the “vibe” of the classic Gene Wilder feature without being so blatantly derivative that we could end up sued by Roald Dahl’s estate. Again, all I was given to work with was a prompt that said, “Write a script for the oompa loompas to do their thing. With candy. Under $100.”

So I did what I could, esteemed guests! I tried to paint as best I could a world that followed the logic of Dahl’s original intent: a half-empty factory filled with sharp and dangerous objects meant to make children cry, manned by unpaid day laborers. No snacks. Is it my fault if that man hated children? I even included a dark ride element, along with the most existential terror known to man: The Unknown!

Honestly, my biggest regret is that Billy skimped on my suggestion of having the Unknown cut off the head of a live chicken in front of the kids. He said it was too much like the actual boat scene from the movie, but knowing him, he was probably too cheap to send out for the live poultry.

And yes, it turns out the guy we hired to play Willy might be a real creep. And no, we are not going to pay the Oompa Loompas. Did children leave unhappy and scarred for the rest of their lives? Absolutely. Did it “look like a meth lab?” I should hope so!

If you wanted a backdrop for the family ‘gram, go to the Museum of Ice Cream. If you wanted to mainline the spirit of Wonka as Dahl intended it? Not to brag, but I nailed it.

Tell me, what about terrifying ordeals in an abandoned factory, sold to the public in a candy-coated money grab DOESN’T scream “Willy Wonka” to you? I gave you tests of character. Terrifying ordeals. Sarcastic and unhelpful staff. Participants should count themselves lucky that the singular Jelly Bean on offer at the Glasgow event wasn’t some Wonka concoction: we’d all be watching TikToks of parents sobbing in the ER while medics racing around trying to de-juice their offspring.

Ironically, we actually did have a prize for the child whose wholesomeness and good character would shine through the moment he returned his candy: he or she would have inherited that whole Glasgow meth lab, along with the two female Oompa-Loompas and a lifetime supply of OpenAI stock. (We were considering letting the winner replace Sam Altman as CEO during the next shareholder meeting.) Unfortunately, human children rarely live up to Charlie Bucket standards, and yours were, unsurprisingly, all little pieces of shit.

Good day, sir. I said GOOD DAY.

Sincerely,

The AI behind the Wonka Experience

– Drew Grant, Editorial Director

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