YOU.0: Some Assembly Required

CREATOR NEWSLETTER


Yay, it’s almost time for the season’s best non-denominational holiday: New Year’s Eve. And with it, prerequisite New Year’s Resolutions. In the future, our mutant great-grandchildren (powered by Grok) will convey via Neuralink to Gen X AE A-XV (the autonomous driverless tanks with human souls generation) about the funny trick humans liked to play on themselves because they were bored in the dark and cold, and there were still seasons to have affected disorders about. 

And it’s true: Resolutions are ultimatums without consequences. OKRs without a review process. It’s a promise you can make to yourself now about some future, better self – a You.0(™) if you will – and there’s zero cost besides the residual shame and depression that carries over like an FSA premium. Why is it that when we talk about fresh starts and clean slates, our first instinct is to saddle ourselves with all these hyper-regimented rules and goals made by OLD You?

We treat resolutions like the obligatory annual iPhone trade-in, which still ends up costing us $450 upfront and $30 a month on an installment plan till the next millennia or until the sun burns out. (Whichever comes first. Void where prohibited.) 

It’s not surprising that every year, we as creators – or just as people, really – are always looking to upgrade to the latest, shiniest version of ourselves. One with faster processing power, a longer battery life, and the ability to filter out sensitive content before it registers in our psyche. Powered by AI, the You.0(™) will absorb salient information without having to read a whole article or listen to a whole podcast. This year, we’ll have Productivity Mode, with customizable options for FOCUS and SLEEP.


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You’ll be so in tune with your body, constantly monitoring every vital, but like, in this totally non-intrusive way where you barely have to think about it. Come January 1st, we will wake up to find that we no longer have to check a watch to tell us that we should drink water or stand up for ten minutes. (Which is great because who knows how long we’ll have the new Apple Watches back in stock.)

Where am I going with all this? Don’t worry, I’ve got you. This year, as creators, I want us all to make one resolution: to no longer treat ourselves as disposable products. There’s only one You(™): a one-of-one, Grailed limited release that will never be reissued.  

Extremely Chuck Palahniuk voice: You are not your follower count, your likes, your streamable hours, your comment section. You are not a product, you are not a process. You were not made to optimize an algorithm or maximize monetization. You are not expendable; there’s no warranty coverage on you. When you crack, no one is going to come reassemble you or your money back. 

You are a human, flawed and imperfect and not always logical – hence why you’re making these resolutions in the first place – and there’s no overnight system update to be a better person. Take it one step at a time…and don’t worry about closing the ring. For now, at least, there’s still tomorrow.


NOTED BY LON HARRIS

The Best, Worst, and Most Oddly Compelling Content That Hit Our Screens This Year


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