This is a piece of satirical writing…except for the following quotes in italics. That sh*t is somehow, real.
“[Gina] Carano, in a complaint filed Tuesday in California federal court, alleges she was fired for voicing right-wing opinions on social media and seeks a court order that would force Lucasfilm to recast her… and at least $75,000, plus punitive damages.” –The Hollywood Reporter
“A short time ago in a galaxy not so far away, Defendants made it clear that only one orthodoxy in thought, speech, or action was acceptable in their empire, and that those who dared to question or failed to fully comply would not be tolerated. And so it was with Carano. After two highly acclaimed seasons on The Mandalorian as Rebel ranger Cara Dune, Carano was terminated from her role as swiftly as her character’s peaceful home planet of Alderaan had been destroyed by the Death Star in an earlier Star Wars film. And all this because she dared voice her own opinions, on social media platforms and elsewhere, and stood up to the online bully mob who demanded her compliance with their extreme progressive ideology.” – Carano-v-Disney Introduction
“Wow, another day at the office,” yawned Youtuber xxGoWokeGoBrokeDisney69, smiling to himself as he plucked his phone from where it had fallen between his bed and his pile of laundry that mom hadn’t gotten to yet. He had been up late before working for his boss, Google, uploading a video titled “Rey Sucks-lo,” which already had 45 views. He wagered that from the midroll ads and on-air reads for horse laxatives — on top of punitive damages from the studios and Rian Johnson personally owed him — he could expect to see another cool million deposited in his crypto wallet next month. “Red Letter Media better watch out!” thought the 48-year-old, a former Uber driver and Nevada alternate elector whose friends called him Ron. Of course, these days, Ron didn’t have to do anything for money: his job was YouTube now. And business was booming.
Also, he could never get fired, because it was illegal.
THE COMMENTS SECTION
Lucasfilm made the following public statement: “Gina Carano is not currently employed by Lucasfilm, and there are no plans for her to be in the future.” – Carano-v-Disney
“Carano brings claims for wrongful discharge and sex discrimination. She seeks a court order that would force Lucasfilm to recast her and at least $75,000, plus punitive damages.” – The Hollywood Reporter
It was time to do some writing and community outreach, his favorite part of the job. Ron opened X, formerly Twitter and currently the only social media app not banned in the state. He put the finishing touches on his thumbnail of a dumpster full of Baby Yodas backpacks and Ahsoka Funkos, adding in his go-to angry young woman with purple hair, and sat back to study his handiwork. He’d been right to Photoshop giant teardrops onto the woman’s face; he’d had his doubts, but stepping back and looking at it objectively, they could only be described as “lib.”
Now, it was time to make some real bank. Ron sat and waited for the inevitable alert of whatever unverified simp took the bait.
He didn’t have to wait long. “Please educate yourself and stop replying every time I post,” said formerly cool actor Mark Hamill, whose job could now be done by AI.
“Gotcha, sucker,” smirked Ron. He already had an image from “The Last Jedi” with Luke drinking the blue milk downloaded for such an occasion; all it needed was the bold Impact font overlay.
“CRY MORE, LUKE SUCKWALKER” Hamill would read. “NOW OWES $69,000 FOR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, HE DOES.” Ron LOL’d to himself. He was doing the best at this.
Ever since LucasFilms President Gina Carano had stuck up for free speech and the “inalienable right of every non-alien American to have Hollywood movie studios personally pay no less than $1,000 to every non-contracted citizen for every instance of an Internet bully responding to a post equating transgender people to dogs or vaccines to Hitler or whatever” (as the Supreme Court ruling had put it), Ron and his friends were all swimming in DogeCoins. Hell, they could probably all afford a lifetime supply of Star Wars Theory’s TheorySabers (NOT SaberTheory) Lightsabers. And there would still be money left over for one Tesla tank, each.
Hypothetically, anyway. If Ron had friends, they would definitely be Tesla tank guys. And they could all get matching tattoos. And go to space with Elon. Maybe the tattoos would be of a Space X rocket giving Earth the middle finger. And underneath in Impact font, the tattoos would all say “To the moon!”
Yeah, Ron could be down for something like that, he thought. He thought about liking a post from an account that exclusively deadnamed celebrities but thought better of it. What if it was secretly Pedro Pascal? Unlikely, but…you could never be too sure who was who on the Internet these days. Better to be safe than sorry.
“If only there was some way to let people know who you were and how to address you with the respect you deserved,” thought Ron. “Some sort of identification or acknowledgment of one’s selfhood.” But…there was simply no way.
“[Regarding pronouns] As Carano explained to Defendants at the time, ‘Beep, bop, and booping is simply droid noises,’ identifying with Star Wars characters…She thought it would simply be a playful way to defuse all the harassment she had received on social media and ‘a fun way of expressing independence and freedom to do whatever you want to do with your social media accounts’ and respond to ‘the trolls and bots, nothing more.’”
Ron’s phone rang. It was Youtube, asking him what he wanted for lunch. “You mean, besides Kathleen Kennedy’s severed head on a platter?” he asked, laughing. That was too good; he would have to remember to comment that from another account under his YouTube video, then go back to his main to pin that comment, then go to a third backup account to respond to the pinned comment with a “hahahahaaaaa dyinggggg.” Maybe throw a few devil emojis in there. A winky face one with its tongue stuck out. Yeah. That would be cool.
“All jokes aside, I need you to get rid of the Content ID button,” Ron said, with a voice that he hoped gave off similar vibes as his hero Patrick Bateman sitting at a desk and kicking his feet up. Ron was still in bed.
“Warner Brothers keeps trying to claim my video essay about why James Gunn is a terrible director and should be fired and also killed and also is a pedophile and double standards. Even though the video CLEARLY states at the beginning that any licensed footage falls under fair use because of free speech. I even say I don’t own the copyright.”
“Yet,” Ron added, to himself.
He could hear YouTube clacking away at their machine. Suddenly, he had a thought. “Wait, actually, would doing that hurt my ability to claim other channels that were caught stealing my content?”
“Are you referring to the forty minutes of footage from D.C. properties?” asked YouTube. Ron was getting mad. Lunch was late.
“Um, actually,” said Ron, in his best Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck’s) voice. “I am employed by Warner Brothers, now and in perpetuity. Because of that thing Gina Carano did. So they actually owe me for all the movies I wasn’t in.”
“Oh right,” said YouTube. “Yes, of course. Unfortunately, removing the Content ID tool will forfeit your…let’s see….430,834 currently outstanding claims against channels that feature the entirety of the nightmare sequence from the extended ‘Justice League.’”
“What did you just say?” growled Ron, suddenly angry enough to sit up.
“Sorry sir, I meant Zack Snyder’s Justice League.” YouTube backpedaled. “Though now that it’s illegal to show any other version of that film, I thought we just referred to it as ‘Justice League…”
“You don’t pay me for you to think!” Ron yelled. “Now, you listen to me, I want David Zazlov on the phone right now! He owes me $200,000 because I’m now emotionally damaged, like the Joker!”
“Hashtag ReleaseTheAyersCut,” said YouTube, in confirmation. “One moment please, while I connect you.”
Ron sighed. It was a hard job, being the boss of your employer, Movies and Any Extended Canon IP. But someone had to do it.
NOTED BY LON HARRIS
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